I did pretty well today. Had to go grocery shopping after being gone for a couple of weeks, but used my coupons and store loyalty card to save $84 out of $200. Not my best coupon run ever, but a good start. Health wise, I cleaned out two tables that had become junk collectors, thoroughly cleaned the bathroom and the kitchen, did 8 loads of laundry (man, I hate coming back from vacation!), mowed the lawn, and ate only healthy foods today; no sugary treats, no junk food.
Each of the younger children had friends come over tonight so there are currently 8 children in my house! Half finally gave out and fell asleep around 1am. The others are currently playing ping pong. The weekend is supposed to be beautiful weather here, so I hope to spend most of it outdoors.
Saturday, May 26, 2012
Thursday, May 24, 2012
Wardrobe Malfunction
My little sister recently got married and blessed me by asking me to be her Maid of Honor. She planned everything herself over this last year and it was absolutely gorgeous. Everything turned out exactly as she planned it and she has magnificent taste; just the right mix of elegance, beauty, and fun. Only one thing went wrong ... as we were preparing to walk out before the guests for the ceremony, the zipper of my MOH dress burst open. Awesome. Sure, we had been having trouble with the zipper since I finally received the dress (4 months after ordering it; really?!) and it was flimsy and faulty, but I have to be honest here. It probably would not have burst wide open if I weren't so incredibly overweight.
That stupid little plastic zipper showed all the bridesmaids my rear end (sorry girls!) but it made me see how low I have sunk. Obviously, I knew I had put on weight since having kids, but I had apparently been in some serious denial about just how bad it had gotten. I have never known such humiliation. In the moments following that god-awful ripping sound, I felt myself dissolving into a black hole of devastation because I was ruining the most important day of my sister's life. She has idolized me forever and I was ruining this day for her.
Luckily the other bridesmaids and the lady who managed the ceremony site jumped right to it and fixed me up with safety pins and a clever use of the dress's sash. I did have to change into a regular dress between the ceremony and the reception, but my sweet sister's wedding was not ruined and she didn't even flinch. My self-image, on the other hand, was crushed.
The drive home from the wedding took 23 hours, so I had plenty of time to think. Once my eyes were opened to how truly hideous I have allowed myself to become physically, I couldn't stop the realizations about every other part of my life. I am drowning in debt. Though I am a really good mother, I'm not the very best mother that I could be. I have no friends at all. I never make time for myself and can't even remember the last time I had fun (except for the reception; that was fun). I'm in physical pain all day, every day and I live without hope, dreams, joy, or anyone to share anything with, not that I have anything to share. I love my family deeply but I do not let them in. I care for them and I take care of them but I have closed myself off so thoroughly that they really must only love the memory of the person I used to be, because this broken, empty shell is no longer a real woman at all. Put simply, I need to get a life.
That's what this blog about: My quest to save my own life.
That stupid little plastic zipper showed all the bridesmaids my rear end (sorry girls!) but it made me see how low I have sunk. Obviously, I knew I had put on weight since having kids, but I had apparently been in some serious denial about just how bad it had gotten. I have never known such humiliation. In the moments following that god-awful ripping sound, I felt myself dissolving into a black hole of devastation because I was ruining the most important day of my sister's life. She has idolized me forever and I was ruining this day for her.
Luckily the other bridesmaids and the lady who managed the ceremony site jumped right to it and fixed me up with safety pins and a clever use of the dress's sash. I did have to change into a regular dress between the ceremony and the reception, but my sweet sister's wedding was not ruined and she didn't even flinch. My self-image, on the other hand, was crushed.
The drive home from the wedding took 23 hours, so I had plenty of time to think. Once my eyes were opened to how truly hideous I have allowed myself to become physically, I couldn't stop the realizations about every other part of my life. I am drowning in debt. Though I am a really good mother, I'm not the very best mother that I could be. I have no friends at all. I never make time for myself and can't even remember the last time I had fun (except for the reception; that was fun). I'm in physical pain all day, every day and I live without hope, dreams, joy, or anyone to share anything with, not that I have anything to share. I love my family deeply but I do not let them in. I care for them and I take care of them but I have closed myself off so thoroughly that they really must only love the memory of the person I used to be, because this broken, empty shell is no longer a real woman at all. Put simply, I need to get a life.
That's what this blog about: My quest to save my own life.
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